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from lingo 8

 
Bernadette Mayer
 
from Studying Hunger Journals

 

A song's a blend. Signify me. It's morning I'm able to day. I tear the lights off, there's not enough room, there's more room and you're trapped. What I want to get to is this: Leisure to listen. I know I'm an act of removal right now. I have hope in the sum. If only I could be subject of same system same rules same observing as thought can remove me from space for a while, then I could see you and more brightly me, get me. Stop and think is an impossibility. Be alone where you can think is a toy. I'm in the fix to complicate and yet to be more right about it, I'm not coming I'm not thinking from out of where anywhere come out of there if you're there, I know you're in there. So desper-ado, outside the law, to free them they put them in prison for begging for it without crime was the crime. A special treatment. Locate yourself. Specialized in a new note of noise. A distinguished signal dips dangerously into the sea and pops right up again bobbing around.

Just more before I can unend. Something on a shelf. Someone wants you out there so you want to go out. Something seems impossible, ordinary motion. Something is too long, you don't think it, you never expected it, you run like the stream, you unearth rocks just by accident by going alone, please create me, I am already there some part of me and some part heading in that direction and so unending in never knowing but knowing some part of all that unending can never get there, so all the force of it so all the energy, just there, in different spots, if you can call them that, you can catch it, you can go along with it, please forgive me and no don't, I have so much time, I'm in advance of it.

8:30 a.m.

Freezing cold morning. Bobby Drivas changes his act, he lies on my breasts and tells me they're terrific, I won't go back to the institution, I won't go back, the storms are up, they'll take care of us, parents take care in storms parents are there in storms, fear of the elements themselves, they'll send up to the kosher coast, we'll memorize the script, kosher is comfortable and warm and plenty to eat and care, the turtles turned upside down, the toilet's removed from its facility, its facility is a source of water, this is instruction, and then, the brown and white checked/striped space: like taking your time in the dream, and seeing things through, what an unusual idea for me, what a tablecover. And now I'm condemned to write something new, about a taxi who gets cursed at about a plumb line that falls, some fellows are stupid at driving but I'm arriving anyway as usual and soon a day will come I won't come, so why make a note of it on your pad cause how I'm driving, as the usual Tuesday comes after the frequent first Monday in yellow and green September and it's neat as can be, makes me a despicable monarch who lives in a tree to be higher and closer to annual rings, he keeps asking questions of me, I'm a ring yes it is true, and a field open field, educated guesses ring better than true, I've lost sight of it all, crosstown crossed up today I've missed all my appointments I've gone down in style, hate constantly fighting and never giving up, I give up, it makes me laugh, I'm almost there.

The stone wall shook when I sat on it, my situation gets worse and worse but I can't leave that as the last thing there so I'll eat it and swallow it whole. All this started with a simple note to myself about my mother being in focus that began you sleep and that ended you make me dizzy you make me well. Go to hell. A threat, I can't swallow, I can't swallow the threat I can't eat meat I eat it, someone's looking, a spider's on my shoe, how can he board a plane alone, animals live alone insects alone in the old world elephants alone, everything's changing and so on blah blah.

Why am I experiencing things this way instead of some other way, if, sense telling me to want to be someone else, the wall shakes when the bus goes by and the skin of my face trembles. Moon september june trembles earthquakes monsoons simoons storm shelter. The coast. Till the sun went in, till the haze burned off, stared into space, what's next? Sure.

I'd like to go to Mexico I'd like to go to France, I'd like to let my feet just walk as if they're in a trance, I'd like to be south of where I am and forget that south is north I'd like to go inside it's cold, I'd like to make a trip just travel freely the while. I think all the time: what if the world ended now, I couldn't handle it, I'd go mad, a great disaster, I'd be a cripple, years ago I'd have been adam and eve, if the house burned down or something like that that wouldn't be so bad, what they call a personal disaster now that's just fine, I'm used to that, but a great world disaster encompassing in its fury hundreds of thousands of people regardless of their race, that fury would be embarrassing right now, I'd make a fool of myself, I'd fall flat on my face, like being caught on the subway waiting, it'd be almost that bad.

Coding and decoding, that's my job. Messages received, it's a race with the other world, what world. Yeah the other world has a keen sense of humor and drinking beer all the time to keep going nice and fat. Other world. Please come in. I pretend to come in. But I stay out. I'm deciphering messages, no milk thank you but a roast voodoo pig. I'm careful about what I eat. I lapse for a few seconds.

*

A plenary indulgence, peace at home. The absence of incense is mistrust like icicles hanging in a cave, someone's favorite word is stalagmite and stalactite, we move off the moon in traffic, the repeat of a feeling stops traffic, the ice is nice of your love of my love, a desperado is better at comedy than an eccentric, you walk out the door, there's a car waiting.

That is that isn't a sign, just a human everyone as a fraction ready to be multiplied and crossed. Many quanta are more difficult many quanta are more fine and more exact, more multiplied, my quanta overflows into the case of please applaud. Ancient babies live with their eyes, my ears, my nose and throat all involved with a new master. I've got a lot of money and the wind blows real hard through the window, so why not take me out again. We could go out at night in the winter, moving fast on some giant road into perspective but something's missing. We start a search for it together, that's the best part. If I wink at the sky something crashes to the floor. I like to mention the month of September as much as I can, I like to relight my 5 cigar, thank you very much for it, I'll move around the room all the more for it.


 
  lingo 8
Books in print by Bernadette Mayer



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